How misunderstanding comes from our hidden expectations.
“You will be disappointed or happy in life depending on how well your perceptions of what is happening match what you expected - what you think should be happening.”
Relationships face all kinds of obstacles, and some of these difficulties stem from our expectations. Even minor expectations can cause major problems in relationships. It all depends on what meanings we attach to those expectations.
We come into relationships with certain ideas about how things should be, things like, how much time you should spend together, or if you’re dating, who should pay for meals when you go out to eat. Where do these expectations come from? Sometimes it’s the way our family has always done things. Sometimes it’s the way our friends act. We can be influenced by a number of cultural factors such as religious teachings, ethnic background, even the television shows we watch. All of these “shoulds” can be a source of conflict, if they don’t match the expectations of the other person.
We’ve all experienced the frustration of being misunderstood. We often think that the other person’s motives are unreasonable or mean. But by knowing that girls and guys sometimes see—and hear—things differently because of expectations, we may understand why the other person said or did what they did.
Consider this the next time you feel surprised, disappointed, or angry with how someone responds to you. Ask yourself if you were expecting a different response and why. Are they offering a solution to your problem, when all you wanted was sympathy? Do they have a way of doing something that seems like they’re doing it the wrong way? It’s important to clearly and calmly communicate your expectations. If you find that even with clear communication one or the other person may not be willing to see things your way, ask yourself if it’s worth fighting over. Is your motivation simply to prove that you’re right and they’re wrong? You can still have a great relationship in spite of differences, if you accept those differences with maturity, and focus on the things that are good in your relationship.
A general rule is to look for the best in people not the worst- assume that they have good intentions. It also helps to practice acceptance, forgiveness, and appreciation every day.
To recap: How to handle expectations
• Be aware of what you expect
• Be reasonable in what you expect
• Be clear about what you expect
• Be motivated to meet the others' expectations, even when you don’t have same expectations
• Show respect
• Look for a solution to differences that suits you both!