It’s normal to have disagreements in a relationship, but if you spend more time fighting than solving problems, then your relationship needs some work.
When it comes to resolving conflicts – and helping to avoid them in the first place – communication is key. If any of these danger signs are showing up during conflict, then you could use some new communication skills.
- Escalation: when individuals respond back and forth negatively, and the conversation gets worse
- Invalidation: when one person puts down the other
- Negative Interpretations: when one person makes negative assumptions about what the other is saying
- Withdrawal: when one person pulls away from an important discussion
- Avoidance: when one person isn’t willing to get into an important discussion
So, how do you get your discussions back on track? First, recognize the potential for emotions to get out of control, then follow these guidelines for a healthy discussion:
1. Call a time-out for at least 30 minutes, and do something separately to get your emotions back under control.
2. When you do get together to discuss the issue, use communication strategies that show respect for each person.
3. One person should be the designated speaker and one person the designated listener. The speaker talks for two or three minutes while the listener silently pays attention to the discussion. The listener tells the speaker what s/he heard. Then they switch roles.
4. Be specific and only talk about the immediate problem at hand. Don’t’ bring up past issues.
5. Okay…. The goal is to understand each other’s point of view, not necessarily agree with each other.
6. Take time out if you get to upset or angry and try again later.
Using this technique, you can more easily get at the root of the problem and try to come up with a solution where everyone wins. If you aren’t able to agree, that’s OK - Sometimes it’s best to ‘agree to disagree’ and keep your differences from interfering with the good things about your relationship.